Scars are Beauitful

To all those people out there who are hurting everyday and feel misunderstood in this life. Those who spend hours in their own head, who feel everything, who’ve stared death in the face, but move forward no matter what life throws at ya. To those who have to be strong, cause that’s the only way. To those who struggled with addiction. To the kids who have to go through a life of pain beginning at such young age. To those with the scars. I rock with all of you. We are in spirit together navigating this life. We all carry a wound. Big or small it doesn’t matter. We live in a broken world full of broken people and we all mask that shit in this world of "positivity" and "good vibes" that often doesn't allow room for raw emotion. Fuck that talk, all human expression is necessary. You need the lows to really appreciate the highs. I hate seeing people hurting, ‘cause I feel your pain in my heart, but don't ever let someone tell you how to feel. They don't know. I've died, I know every day is extra. All that extra petty shit doesn't matter. Like saying the word shit ha. I cry all the time..like right now. It's never ending. It just is. The beauty of all of it, is i'd be happy with my life if I went tomorrow. That's how sickness changes you. To those who offer their selfless time to others in need, and show they care, it never goes unnoticed, you are angels. To those who have shown it to me over the years, I can never repay. It really means the world. I love you. <3

For those who look fresh at small moments and see them as if it were for the first time.

To those that will never have that carefree, total immersion in simple moments anymore.

To those who have to listen to people tell you, “Oh, you’ll be fine!” or “You’ll beat it!” There is no such thing, it never ends. 

To those who feel like they have to be positive because the world is so overly fucking “positive.”

To those who will never have normalcy again.

To those who have to trust, because you have no other option.

To those who have to be strong, cause that’s the only way.

To those who don’t want to get out of bed.

To those who fear every time they feel pain.

To those who are tired of hiding behind a wall.

To those who are tired of people telling them how to feel.

To the kids who feel lost or misunderstood.

To those who do not recognize themselves.

To the dreamers.

To those who refuse to give in.

To those who have to restart time and time again.

To those who have to be strong despite how they feel.

To those who are scared to death, but saddle up anyway.

To those with the scars.

To those...

To everyone, I walk with you.

Emotional Scars of Open Heart Surgery

Can we please discuss more about the emotional scars of open heart surgery. Yes, the physical nature of open heart is extreme and needs to be taken seriously. However, if we take the right steps, physically must of us recover and return to the things we were able to do before, or even exceed our previous ability. Time will heal your physical wounds, but emotionally and psychologically you will never be the same. Your surgeon can’t and won’t explain the emotional side of it. It’s not their job, they haven’t experienced it, and they don’t understand. Their job is to fix your broken heart and send you on your way. Although your heart is now repaired, another hole opens up. Your life is flipped upside down. 

Things that you thought were once so important hold little weight. Once you wake up from surgery the most important thing becomes breath. Now all that matters is survival. All other worries go out the window, health becomes everything. Without breath, without health, their is no life. In those first couple days in the hospital it hits you, life will never be the same. Everything you thought you once knew about life has changed. Laying in that hospital bed gives you a lot of time to be alone with your mind. Theres not much else you can do but stare at the wall and think. Over the next few months, you physically won’t be able to do much of anything. This time gives you a lot of time to think about life in probably the most organic form possible. What is life without death? Death makes life meaningful. You can’t appreciate life without death. Its like good and evil. If everything in life was good, how could you appreciate the good? You can’t know that something is good without the presence of evil. Just like you can’t know how precious life is, without the presence of death.

Open heart surgery breaks your armor, allowing you to grasp life in it’s purest form. You value all the little things after you go through the suffering that open heart surgery may bring along with it. However, it’s important to note, appreciation doesn’t mean happiness. Robin Williams months after heart surgery said this on Ellen, “You appreciate the little things like breathing.” Yes, you feel reborn, you were given a second chance at life. Everything seems more beautiful, moments seems more meaningful, loved ones are cherished more. However, when everything settles down you are still left with all the trauma that open heart brings. The person you were before the surgery is gone. You are awakened to a new life. How will you live it?