Emotional Scars of Open Heart Surgery

Can we please discuss more about the emotional scars of open heart surgery. Yes, the physical nature of open heart is extreme and needs to be taken seriously. However, if we take the right steps, physically must of us recover and return to the things we were able to do before, or even exceed our previous ability. Time will heal your physical wounds, but emotionally and psychologically you will never be the same. Your surgeon can’t and won’t explain the emotional side of it. It’s not their job, they haven’t experienced it, and they don’t understand. Their job is to fix your broken heart and send you on your way. Although your heart is now repaired, another hole opens up. Your life is flipped upside down. 

Things that you thought were once so important hold little weight. Once you wake up from surgery the most important thing becomes breath. Now all that matters is survival. All other worries go out the window, health becomes everything. Without breath, without health, their is no life. In those first couple days in the hospital it hits you, life will never be the same. Everything you thought you once knew about life has changed. Laying in that hospital bed gives you a lot of time to be alone with your mind. Theres not much else you can do but stare at the wall and think. Over the next few months, you physically won’t be able to do much of anything. This time gives you a lot of time to think about life in probably the most organic form possible. What is life without death? Death makes life meaningful. You can’t appreciate life without death. Its like good and evil. If everything in life was good, how could you appreciate the good? You can’t know that something is good without the presence of evil. Just like you can’t know how precious life is, without the presence of death.

Open heart surgery breaks your armor, allowing you to grasp life in it’s purest form. You value all the little things after you go through the suffering that open heart surgery may bring along with it. However, it’s important to note, appreciation doesn’t mean happiness. Robin Williams months after heart surgery said this on Ellen, “You appreciate the little things like breathing.” Yes, you feel reborn, you were given a second chance at life. Everything seems more beautiful, moments seems more meaningful, loved ones are cherished more. However, when everything settles down you are still left with all the trauma that open heart brings. The person you were before the surgery is gone. You are awakened to a new life. How will you live it?

Did Robin Williams' heart disease eventually lead to suicide?

Two years ago today, at age 63, Robin Williams committed suicide, just a few short years after undergoing a successful, life-saving open heart surgery. Was it the result of depression and the emotional trauma that often descends upon survivors of open heart surgeries?  His death sent shock-waves throughout the world. One of the most talented, beloved comedians of all time ended his life prematurely. Which begs the question, what ultimately led to his demise? There are many theories of course, depression, his long struggle with addiction, money, previous marital issues, and various health struggles. Most recently, his widow Susan, revealed Robin was struggling with the onset of Dementia with Lewy Bodies. LBD, in short, is a debilitating brain disorder. Clearly his health had been declining for years and he struggled with emotional issues, so perhaps the onset of this disorder was the last straw. I believe however, that his open-heart surgery played a major contributing role. While surviving it can give you a new appreciation for life, it also rocks your world and  profoundly changes you in ways you never expected.

You might be thinking, "What the hell do you know"? You’re right, I never knew Robin, I am only speaking from my own personal experience of going through two open heart surgeries and from what I learned researching the large number of interviews he gave about his heart surgery and the years following.

I have spent countless hours over the last couple years scouring the internet trying to find every moment of him talking about his heart surgery and the effects it has had on his life. I found an overwhelming amount of information on how his heart disease was a major contributing factor to the end of Robin Williams. Open-heart surgery, a procedure that saved Robin’s life, may have been what killed him in the end. He was clearly never the same from the moment he awoke from surgery.

Personally I have found comfort in all the things Robin Williams has said about heart surgery. To hear someone as successful as him verbalize many of my own thoughts and feelings made me feel like I was not alone. 

The following is information I have collected pertaining to Robin Williams and his heart disease:

Robin Williams best friend of 37 years, Rick Overton, had this to say after Robin’s passing:

“I want to make clear that it’s my firm belief that Robin Williams was suffering from heart surgery related depression rather than slipping into drug depression. I have known him through the drug days and I’ve known him through the drinking days and I have known him through the dry days and he is not the person he was. The surgery altered his personality and I can only assume that on the other side now he is back to being his original self and for that I am grateful. But I want to make this clear to save his reputation that he did not turn into a callous addict and abandoned his family. The heart surgery changed his chemical dynamic and his brain chemistry as well. He told me his heart surgery in 2009 had left him feeling like a mortal for the first time in his life, and he didn’t like how that felt.”

Dr. Drew Pinsky had this to say following William’s death:

"There is nothing that prepares a man for open heart surgery and what awaits afterwards...The transformation is epic for some after this life saving surgery, but the emotional carnage it causes is rarely discussed. When it's life or death it hardly seems pertinent to talk about how you're going to feel afterward. Now we have a man who was saved by the surgery, but who evidently succumbed to the depression and the other assaults that can besiege a person with addictions. We need to talk about it more, educate people who are walking into life saving heart procedures, what side effects can await that will blindside those not warned.".  Robin Williams had valve replacement surgery in 2009, one of the most difficult recoveries in open heart procedures. Dr. Pinsky: "It wasn't the heart surgery that killed him....it was the brain disease that came with it." (paraphrasing)  -Link Here

In an interview with the Guardian in 2010, Robin got personal:

"Oh, God, you find yourself getting emotional. It breaks through your barrier, you've literally cracked the armor. And you've got no choice, it literally breaks you open. And you feel really mortal." Aitkenhead then asked, "Does the intimation of mortality live with you still?" "Totally." Is it a blessing? “Totally." Off-camera, Decca Aitkenhead claims Williams is a different kettle of fish from the character he portrays on TV. He went on to say, "His bearing is intensely Zen and almost mournful, and when he's not putting on voices he speaks in a low, tremulous baritone – as if on the verge of tears – that would work very well if he were delivering a funeral eulogy. He seems gentle and kind – even tender – but the overwhelming impression is one of sadness. "I don't think they gave me a new valve but a tiny vagina. I don't know. I'm just so emotional these days. It's like this weird thing to know you have been opened up but you're alive - big time. It really makes you appreciate little things, like your breath. I realize life can be short. This is your window, what do you want to do with it?"

“He told me his heart surgery in 2009 had left him feeling like a mortal for the first time in his life, and he didn’t like how that felt.

Robin Williams on Marc Maron's podcast

Marc, “I know with letterman after his surgery he talked about the vulnerability”

Robin, “Oh yeah, Letterman leaned over to me one point and said, “Do you find yourself getting really emotional after the surgery, and I said yeah, and then he said were back! and I was like oh Fuck I’m not gonna break down, I'm not gonna pull a Barbara Walters, but you do get more emotional because they crack the armor and all of the sudden guys are like fuck you man, I'm all armored up and then they peel you open and you have this scar here and they opened your ass up and literally to the world, they went inside and fixed the box and sealed you back up again and said your back…you’re so vulnerable in a weird way and the drugs they give are so powerful that you wake up going where am I?”

I will leave you with some thoughts from Robin Williams:

“The surgery was humbling, I’m much more grateful for everything, You and I have both been given a second chance literally and to take that and go with it”

When asked if he feels happier now, he says softly, "I think so. And not afraid to be unhappy. That's OK too"

“I want to work on things that will be interesting and with people I enjoy being with, cause life is short to be hustling and doing all that other stuff”

“No I think it’s exhilaration..I’m alive!! but not with heart surgery, they literally open you up, they crack the box. And as a man you often have that macho persona, but you get really vulnerable and cry over the site of a kitten and you get very emotional about everything. But in a way its a wonderful thing it really opens you up to everything."

"I've been calling up all of my friends and saying, 'Thanks for being there."

After surviving open-heart surgery in 2009, during which one valve was replaced and another repaired.  Williams wiped away mock tears and told The Chronicle: "I don't think they gave me a new valve but a tiny vagina. I don't know. I'm just so emotional these days."

There is nothing that prepares a man for open heart surgery and what awaits afterwards.

“You come out the other side going what”s to be angry about, you’re alive."

'When I'm awake, I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want the hassle of turning the light off, putting my head down and then all the thoughts. I don't want all those thoughts."

Thank you Robin for everything. You are missed greatly!

Links to other Robin Williams articles and videos:

Ellen

Letterman 

Video on surgery

Letterman 2

Robin on Letterman with heart tie

R.I.P Robin

-Derek Owens