6X Open

Heart Surgery #6 for my heart buddy. No matter how many times you go through this, it doesn’t get easier. I promise you, it feels like the world stops. It almost feels like the outside world doesn’t exist or you don’t recognize it anymore. Its so indescribably strange, your eyes close as a capable independent human and then they open 10 hrs later and you are not you. You need support, you have to rely on everyone as you suddenly become incapable. As an adult, its beyond humbling. You miss breathing. You miss the simplicity of everything like going to the restroom, eating, standing up, walking, showering, etc. Then you get on facebook and see everyone complaining about bullshit and you realize you can’t relate to people anymore, at least not the ones who haven’t faced their scars. Then you finally leave the hospital and the journey begins. A man just physically touched your heart and now you are back walking the streets making eye contact with another pair of eyes, hoping they can see your heart. Thinking about you everyday Jonathan, a lot of people on your side. 6 down.

Barbara Walters- At age 80 had Aortic Valve Replacement

Barbara Walters had open heart surgery to replace her aortic valve at age 80. A required surgery is she wanted to see her 81st birthday. She wrote a piece for Vanity Fair 6 months later to share her story.

 Due to pressure and discomfort in her chest she went in for testing and her narrowing valve was diagnosed. She immediately went into denial. She didn’t just go for a second opinion, she had four. She had never been sick before and couldn’t believe her heart was failing her. Initially, Barbara kept to her self about her upcoming surgery telling very few. It wasn’t two days before her operation that she briefly mentioned it on the View, while maintaining a smiling face. Being the mega star she is, she didn’t have to tell everybody, as soon as the operation commenced, word would get out quickly and reach people all over the world. She had a massive support system, she was flooded with calls, messages, and flowers - from world leaders, famous actors/actresses, friends she hasn’t spoken to in 20+ years. She was the most thought about person in the world.

Barbara Walters stated in the beginning that open heart surgery is a serious operation that 1-2% of people die from. If you survive, there is a chance of depression and it may take quite some time to feel like yourself again. Depression, the side effect that is rarely talked about. Mainly because survival is the main concern. Barbara made it clear that she didn’t experience much pain and she felt pretty good over the next several months - while everyone expected her to be struggling to get out of bed. She was happy. Why? Why did she claim she was so happy while so many people struggle with depression, tiredness, and change of personality. Was it her positive attitude? Was it her denial that still remained? Was it the massive amounts of support? The piece she wrote focused on what open heart surgery entails, the process before and after open heart surgery, and support she received from what seemed like everyone in the world. Unfortunately, she never opened up about her feelings. Her raw emotions never came out. As someone who has had two open heart surgeries, I want to know more. I need to know more. I want to know what was going through her mind the moments before she was wheeled into the operating room. I want to know what happened during those 10 days in the hospital, the lows and highs. I want to the know the real unmasked thoughts, I want to know why she was scared and why she claimed she ultimately didn’t succumb to depression. In the last paragraph, her opening sentence was this, “Still, once in a while, there was a nagging thought: Could I have waited (for surgery)?” Wait…Just a paragraph before she exclaimed she never felt better. She was doing great! So why would she wonder if she could have waited? It was a reoccurring thought in her mind. Why? 

She did change, something in her changed. Near the end of her piece she said this, 

“Now it was time to take stock of how I felt about the whole experience. The surgery had to have had some meaning for me. I decided that with my new heart it was time for a new attitude, time to do things I had wanted to do for years and not continue doing things I had no serious interest in. No more big dinners just to prove I was invited. No more opera. Ditto for Shakespeare. No more splashy charity events. Send a check instead. The new and happier me.”

    The “new” me. No longer was she going to do things she didn’t want to do. She would do things her own way from here on out. That is a CHANGED mindset and a CHANGED person. Her whole life, everything she thought and did, was based off her idea and experience of what life was. Now at age 80, everything changed. Life suddenly had more meaning, and her new attitude was going to reflect it. She lost her first life, Barbara Walters old self died that day May 12th on the operating table and she was born again. This is where I think depression comes into play, your mourn the loss of your previous self. Robin Williams said many times after his open heart surgery that he was so appreciative of simple things like breath. Changing your mindset and appreciation for things can still be a form of denial. Robin Williams best friend commented after his suicide, Rick Overton said, “I want to make clear that it’s my firm belief that Robin Williams was suffering from heart surgery related depression rather than slipping into drug depression. I have known him through the drug days and I’ve known him through the drinking days and I have known him through the dry days and he is not the person he was. The surgery altered his personality and I can only assume that on the other side now he is back to being his original self and for that I am grateful. But I want to make this clear to save his reputation that he did not turn into a callous addict and abandoned his family. The heart surgery changed his chemical dynamic and his brain chemistry as well.”

I want to make it know that I am not saying Barbara Walters must be feeling depression related to her open heart surgery and she is hiding it. That is not my intent for this essay. I simply want people to not be afraid to discuss the mental and psychological side of open heart surgery. We live in a world of possibility and its taboo to share your real feelings unless it’s all rainbows and butterflies. Frankly, people don’t want to hear about negativity. But I worry when someone as famous and Barbara Walter exclaims how happy she is and how positive the whole experience was. Half a million people a year have open heart surgery. These are regular people. Being one of those regular people, people like Barbara Walters can’t be the voice for us dealing with heart disease. Our lives are incredibly different. Often we feel disconnected from the rest of the population at a deeper level Many of us deal with depression and ptsd and we want to know if there are others out there like us. Someone to relate to and share stories with in a raw and open conversation. People who understand what were battling on a day to day basis physically and mentally. So Barbara Walters writing a piece like this is great for her, her fans, and for people who fear open heart surgery. But there is no rawness to it and disconect grows from it.  The truth is life does have a new meaning after open heart surgery, you appreciate the little things more, and you see life in a whole new light. However there are millions of people out there that feel disconnected at a deeper level after Open heart surgery. Where is the voice for those people? Celebrities coming forward and exclaiming how great they are after surgery is not helping the millions of people hiding in the shadows, facing mortality, wondering whats next for their life.

"A Matter of Life and Death."10 min video about Barbara Walters and her Heart Surgery. 

Heart Surgery to State Champion

In Honor of Heart Awareness Month my brother Jakob Owens put together a short documentary about my recovery from my 1st Heart Surgery to two years later winning a basketball state championship.

My goal is not to inspire, but rather encourage. I don’t think of myself as an inspiration. I struggle everyday with this disease. It’s hard to put into words the effect it has psychologically. Until you are in that hospital bed, its something you can never grasp. The trauma, the things that have happened inside those white walls never leave me. I just share my thoughts and journey in hopes it can touch others who are hurting. To provide a sense of clarity for those who are confused and lonely in the journey. You are not alone. I’ve had plenty of doctors tell me things I can’t do. I didn’t listen. I chose to live the way I wanted. I can live with the consequences, even if it involves death, I can’t live knowing I gave in, never taking risks, or following the burning desires of my heart. This video can’t even begin to explain my true feelings, but maybe its a start, and sometimes thats all we need. To simply start. Thanks for all love